[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
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[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
“No way.” -Jose