[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
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Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.