[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
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I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
I like long walks away from everyone
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.