[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
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I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
If you had more money you’d be happier.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.