[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
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Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*