[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
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Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
just gave your address to some spiders
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Can’t, holding a grudge
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free