[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
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Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Boom, boom, ching!
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight