[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
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Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
All is fair in drunk and war.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.