@BlondAmbitionTO: On dates, if a man says the past tense of "see" as "I seen" instead of "I saw," I go to the bathroom and climb out the window.
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@huntigula: confuse your coworkers today by telling them you're going to the restroom to do a "number 3"
@lecalabara: Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
@weinerdog4life: The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
@zachreinert03: I really hope I don't wake up tomorrow morning. I don't want to die, sometime in the afternoon would be nice, or even the next day