@BlondAmbitionTO: On dates, if a man says the past tense of "see" as "I seen" instead of "I saw," I go to the bathroom and climb out the window.
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@WilliamRodgers: How to become a Saint 1: Become Catholic 2: Live an exemplary and pious life 3: Perform at least two miracles Or...Just Be Kanye's baby
@kumailn: Advertisers think we're like "Oh a pop-up ad is in the way of the thing I actually want to watch? I should purchase whatever it's selling!"
@jjhartinger: A telemarketer called and said,"can I speak with the man of the house." I replied, "sure" and gave the phone to the cat.