7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
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Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
LOL!
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
Who says great literature is dead?
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist