No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
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Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are