*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
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The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.