@MichaelTrying: The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?

@nefariousPeterD: Damn, you know you're getting old when you get up in the morning and have to rest for awhile

@Dirty_Naomi: I've decided to retire on Monday & live off my savings. Don't know what I will do on Tuesday though?

@juicymorsel: Pretending you're dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.

@Breadery: There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life's face to find she has deflated in the night.