@msdanifernandez: *on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn't try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
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@runjhunmehrotra: Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
@joejwest: MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line] GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
@RobElliottComic: Giraffes born in American Zoos are Giraffrican Americans
@Jay1972Jay: My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
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