her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
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I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”