[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
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Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Birds & Planes.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.