I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
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You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.