*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
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kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!