[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
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Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*