[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
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“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.