There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
You Might Also Like
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
My Plans 2020
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult