On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
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Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks