On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
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Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Noah
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume