*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
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All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Barbie gone wild
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving