*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
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I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh