[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
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* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.