[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
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Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
I’m sure it’s fine.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No