[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
You Might Also Like
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
I’m giving up for Lent.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
He’s cranky this morning
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
If looks could kill
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy