@mjohnny3: On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
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@i_eat_fruit: COP: do you know why I pulled you over ME: knock knock COP: who’s there ME: do you know why I pulled you over COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
@Parkerlawyer: People that don't tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened... Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
@RobinMcCauley: A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
@FlyJ_: You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate? Yeah, she's staying at my house this week.