[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
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I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good