[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
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The old gods are rising again.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?