“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
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Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Lucky old June.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.