occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
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Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle