Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
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*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
good morning
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please