[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
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I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
we’re gonna need another temp
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Good morning y’all ☀️
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.