@WhatTheFFacts: On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
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@SirEviscerate: If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
@TrueTorontoGirl: Dave: I don't want to sound stupid.... Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
@Sassafrantz: [first date] Him: You're amazing! I'm having a great time! Me: I will fight you for the rest of this pizza.
@Jenny4ashley: [gets pulled over for speeding] Where's the fire ma'am? *grips lighter* "I'm not sure yet"