On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
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My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.