On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
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“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Herpes is trending, good job people
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
After 35, your body ages in dog years