sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
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I love the smell of relapse in the morning
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
I think this should do it.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?