@MortifiedMama: On Mondays I like to reply to all my bosses emails with 'unsubscribe'
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@BadJordon: [ER] HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler. DOC:… H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand. D: Rub kale on it.
@ThisOneSayz: *on phone* He: so where is this going, babe? Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can't hear you...reception's bad!!
@QwertyJones3: HER: I'll only agree to do nudity if it's done tastefully PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows