pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
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The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You