On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
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“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.