* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
You Might Also Like
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Go girl power!
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
The two types of wives
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
The only time I’ll care about Basketball: