*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
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Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
A leaf blower, but for people.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
You better watch out
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand