Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
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Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
the three branches of government
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.