[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
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Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go