On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
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me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Terribly Tuesday.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.