@Elizasoul80: "On my way" I said, pretending to drive my bed.
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@DanMentos: [signing birth certificate] wife: you put Owen, right? me: yup nurse: Now we'll just need a footprint from little [reading] "Owned"
@DamienFahey: If you don't have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
@Rollinintheseat: Interviewer: "Your resume says you're paranoid." Me: "My resume has been talking behind my back?"