“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
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the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
My neck, my back, my…
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
These are my roll models.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.