“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
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Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall