No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
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It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
If only.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.