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A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.