@mstluvstrinkets: On our way to husbands vasectomy he asks *do you think they'll want me to remove my socks?*. I don't know what he thinks is about to happen.
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@XLCadillac: [job interview] “Why should I hire you?” “Because I have pictures of you with a goat?”
@noneofyours99: That awkward moment when you accidently knock a 90 year old over trying to get to the buffet first.
@CharmandBrains: Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
@shkeeber: If a genie grants you 3 wishes, use the first one to make the genie develop short term memory loss, and then keep making 2nd wishes forever.