@Ivsy01: (On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
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@StarWarsProblms: Obi-wan: You look different. Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs. Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
@tigersgoroooar: I bet there are at least a few seconds when a tiger is chasing you where you look back and are like, "awwww..."
@jasonroeder: Next time a conspiracy theorist says, "That's what they want you to think," say, "No, but that's what they wanted you to tell me."
@_ElvishPresley_: [commercial for boiling water] *enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water* castle guard: there must be a better way!