(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
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Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.