[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
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“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
fly smarter, not harder
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny