[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
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The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.